My Blue Heaven

Bad Day! Bad Day! hits with rolled up newspaper

Mon, 11 Aug 2003 19:51:09 GMT

I don't even know if I'm writing this for anyone but myself, but here goes. He left this afternoon. We got into an awful fight just before his trip, and now he's off with this girl, and I'm here alone, wondering if he's going to end up being with her. Doesn't show a whole lot of trust, I know, but I'm scared to death right now, and I tend toward pessimism when I'm afraid.

We've been together eight years, and I've known for sure that I loved him for most of them. We got each other through everything. His grandfather died during our first month of just knowing one another, and I worried for him even then. I went to work exhausted so many mornings after no sleep when his health was bad, and he's been there through all of this trouble with my grandfather. He's been so good, and so sweet. When Nicole died, he stopped living, almost, to be with me and to help me through losing my best friend. I've trusted him for a long time. We were honest and we stood up for each other and we cheered each other on when things went well.

My last boyfriend was such a long time ago. Alex was enough to shake the trust of anyone. One day he was there, the next day he was gone. I cried and wondered what I did wrong, and wondered if there really were words that fit when he walked casually back over three years later, shrugged off the man I'd fallen in love with, and tried to come back into my life. He was there through all of it (and incredibly amused at frosty Alex's assumption that I might just be sitting where he left me, ready to come back).

Things tend to disappear in my llife. Friends, family, everything. My grandmother said once that we're only given as much as we can take in our lives. God knows how strong we are, and he adjusts our burdens accordingly. I believed in her, and in that. I thought that he must have known what he was doing when he took the lifelong friend who so unfailingly loved me. I thanked him when my grandfather survived, even though things were hard and he needed so much care, because it gave us a chance to tell him all we wanted to before letting him go. It felt like a gift. But I can't find the sense in this, no matter how hard I try. It hurts - that's why, I guess. We think silly things when we're injured. Just...

I love him. I thought that maybe through all of that, through everything that's happened, maybe God understood that all of those things were bearable because there was this good person to come home to. He'd be there at the end of all of it, just like I was there for him, and maybe I'd be wrong. Maybe I could trust someone without having to worry that I was being too innocent. Maybe it was my gift, the bright part of my life, just like he told me I was the bright part of his. I could take wondering if I could have kids. I could take struggling to understand how I could fight for the rights of people with mental illness, only to lose someone I cared so deeply about because of a sick man's hallucination, of all things. That felt like a giant cosmic joke, let me tell you. I could take knowing that my family gets Cancer like other people get colds. I'm strong, after all. I try to be happy, and to look for the beauty in life, because it's there, even in the worst of times. Only I don't feel so strong right now, and nothing feels beautiful.

If I lose him, that's my last gift. I pray that I don't, that I'm wrong and maybe he really is for me, after all. We can love each other and we can be happy and the bad things can't ruin it. I hope so, but I get the suspicion that this is going to be another thing to bear, another loss to survive, and I'm not so sure I'm strong enough for another.

I've prayed every night since I was a teenager and I really started to understand what I thought about faith. Always the same three things. I pray for the people in my life, that they be happy and healthy and that they feel looked after. I pray for the people who are gone - lately Nicole and her family, but I pray for that man, too. I hope every night that he finds peace, and that they keep him somewhere where he can't hurt himself or others, that it never happens again. And last I pray for myself. I ask every night for the same thing. I ask that he lets me do my best for my family, for my friends, for my students, and for myself. I ask him for the strength I need to be a good person, and to love the people in my life like they deserve. I ask him to watch over me, but right now it's hard to think of any of it. I just keep hoping and praying that I don't get hurt again. That's selfish, and I shouldn't, but it's the only thought that keeps occurring.

Do me a favor, someone? What's meant to happen will happen between the two of us. I can't deny him his happy life because I need him and I love him. Just please keep your fingers crossed that I find the strength somewhere inside me that I need? I could really use it right now.

Pleh, sorry to whine. I really just needed to get all of that out.

Keeping Track

Wed, 23 Jul 2003 00:45:44 GMT

$10 for June 21, and $10 for June 22!

Playing with my pictures...

Sun, 13 Jul 2003 21:20:53 GMT

Just checking! Wolves of the Calla's coming soon, and the Roland bug just came back!

Life Things

Sun, 29 Jun 2003 18:57:18 GMT

I'm back, and glad to be able to do this sort of thing again! It's hard to remember who I told about all of this, but for anyone interested quite a bit has been going on.

The school year just ended last week, and with it - report cards, parties, end of the year maint. requests, etc... I love them all dearly, but it was just a tad relieving to send them back to their parents for the summer. The 6th grade team had un petit peu of a challenge going this year with our group. Next year, we have beaucoup de challenge! The epic world language curriculum is finished, and ESL tests are done with it! Truly amazing!

The other thing, and I know I must have seemed awfully distant lately, is that family things are getting more difficult, as well. Anyone who speaks to me often knows that I've been taking care of my grandfather for about two years now and that it's getting to be time to lose him. So... there are times I have to run, and times I have to be away from home for longer periods of time... Sometime this summer, I would suspect, he'll leave us. A sad time, but I keep thinking more and more that I'm really lucky. I've known about this for two years, and we've had a chance to say just everything we ever wanted to. The little moments we've had are, in themselves, worth the sadness that will come, and the difficulty of the last few years.

With school finished, though, there's more time for actual life! I started writing again, and am getting the house in semi-order. :-) Did more than look at poor, neglected boyfriend.

So... That's me these days! ::holds up hand:: I also vow to post in LJ much more often!

I Love Him...

Thu, 22 May 2003 01:40:26 GMT

I love him, I love him, I love him... But there should be a special sort of counselor for sports fans. My conversation with the love of my life.

Clueless Female: Ouch, I guess they lost.
Depressed Male: In overtime. This whole day is horrible.
Clueless Female: They'll pick up Friday.
Depressed Male: Probably won't get to watch Friday...
Clueless Female: What about baseball?
Depressed Male: *wondering if he should give up and marry Howie Long instead* They lost, too...
Clueless Female: *wondering if she should give up and marry Antonio Banderas instead* (and at a big loss for words) Good games, though!
Depressed Male: Not really...

Not giving up! Even if hockey is his favorite, behind soccer, football, baseball, basketball, and all other ball-related activities... The boy's going to smile tonight!

On the plus side, my little 1st grade unhappy one was all smiles today - He's in love! Can't get any better than that.

First Entry

Tue, 20 May 2003 02:38:44 GMT

First entry, and am nearly asleep! Nearly time for bed, and jumping back into work tomorrow. But I'm excited to be starting! Come say hello!